I am nothing but behavior

I am nothing but a speck of dust in a universe that is infinite

I control nothing but my behavior

I can fool myself to believe I am in control of my destiny

I am not, my behavior may make it possible to achieve, arrive at a desired destination

I still have no guarantee that I will accomplish and attain this focal point

I must acknowledge to myself and the universe that I have little control at all

I have nothing but my behavior, it is my rock, foundation

It is formed by my belief system as is yours

It is molded by the examples of other souls, pre-experienced and caring

It is truth, words are nothing without the demonstration supported by behavior

It defines my soul, allows me to co-habitat with other souls

It provides strength when It is most needed and solace when I am sick

I have no control of illness but my behavior may invite certain physical calamities

I haven’t the control on my prosperity as I would like to believe, poor behavior will destroy but good intentions and wishful investing can as well

I must accept that my behavior will define my character, show my true worth

I am nothing in the grand scheme of the universe except to those whom wish to open up for me

I am nothing but love, wrapped in behavior, I was formed because of love, I was designed by love and it is only by my behavior that I can honor My God , Parents, My Spouse, My Children ,My Grandchildren and friendships that have molded my journey.

I am my behavior, the flesh will some day dissolve, and if I talked about after I am taken it will be about my behavior, my love and everything else formed by my free will which is behavior granted by my Creator

Peace be with you

Park 2015

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A little dislike about age

I was sitting at the kitchen table eating my breakfast with my thoughts. I was mulling on how I don’t like this period of my life, I’m going on sixty. The sun raced across the table enlightening my hands as I moped in my self-pity when I realized that this is nothing new, not liking a period in my life. Why is that? I certainly have been blessed enough to live with a full,overfull tummy. I never woke up without a sanctuary a heated sanctuary. I have Problems, who hasn’t .

In my fifties I found myself becoming unemployed, diabetic and saying goodbye to my parents, and in-laws. Everything my Father and I worked towards, the family business disappeared. So at fifty-three everything that I was use to ceased,waking up well before the sunrise, working at least 10 hours a day 6 days a week if not more, I doubt if I worked a 40 hour week but 3 times in my life since I was seventeen. I don’t have the money to show for it , it was never about the money it was about keeping my word, the word I gave my father when I was in trouble and need his help. I wish I could brag about financial accomplishments but I think most small businesses in America usually are poorly compensated for their efforts despite what is assumed by many. So I do believe My God compensated me by arranging the opportunity to babysit my grandchildren and prepare the older generation for their death. It was a time of roller-coaster emotions yet I found peace, Several time I could feel My Lords presence and physically feel peaceful and strong when needed. So if someone ask me if I believe in Christ I have to answer How can I not?He was with me when no one else was.

My forties was a blur , only to find myself broken. I laid on a gurney, blinded because of a mild stroke, I laid there asking myself what next. I felt a great peace come when I said. God will be done, realizing that I could not fix this. I couldn’t. I will never forget that peace, except with a verbal confrontation with the doctor who was scolding me for not taking care of myself , which I reminded him he doesn’t work for free, I had just got on my wife’s insurance policy and was about to set up going to the family Physician, Another by-product of small business un-affordable health insurance. The doctor left quietly and I laughed at the nurse when she asked me to sign the release documents. I had to have her put my hands where I needed to scribble. I sat in the same chair three days then decided to find a way into work and gradually my sight returned to a less efficient but ever so workable miracle, yes miracle in my opinion. It probably was the mortal nail for my fathers business, I was no way the man that I was before the stroke. I didn’t like this time of my life either, and I was wrong to say this then as well for many events happen that where good that followed that day on the gurney.

My thirties I really don’t remember to much other than I worked , and worked and worked . My kids were being raised, we didn’t have much but we all had full tummies and plenty of interesting times. I somehow found out that I like to paint and draw, and wasn’t that bad at it . I didn’t have much time but found it possible to get lost in the basement and paint away.We had build a good size business and I would find myself being on call 24/7. This pattern caused me to develop the attitude if I can’t get it done in a day don’t bother,bad attitude that I still haven’t been able to undo. This should have been the prime of my life, maybe it was but I can’t remember much. At times I struggle to find memories of the kids and I. I can remember some of the bad moves and struggles at work but very little of my personal life. I didn’t like this time either, again I am grateful I made it pass this without doing to much damage

Many go on about their fun times the twenties were, Me not so. I was building a family, actually I had been daddy since I was eighteen and found work was the reward for having such a good time a few times. I think the twenties was the age of stupid mistakes, arrogance and fruitless dreams. It had some good times of course. I bought my house by my 21 birthday and found myself growing and growing,Physically of course. I had abandon my Catholic faith years ago. I never stop believing but was totally frustrated with the Church I belong to. It always seemed that when I need help I couldn’t find it. So I started to explore some other alternatives till I just closed the door to God till I received that day on the gurney. Nope I didn’t like the twenties either.

Now my youth was very interesting and to say I like my youth would be a big lie. I was born a pre-me and because of incubator burns I was left with one eyes that has little vision and required me to wear coke-bottle glasses to this day, my other eye was and is fantastic. My parents enrolled me into a Catholic School and I was one of a few that went to school in a white shirt and tie in a blue-collar military town so running for my house which was at the other end of the development was the norm. I gotten used to being called names and bullied both at home and believe it or not at the Catholic school because I was a kid from that side of town. The nuns even treated me different as if that what is the use, after all the kids thought it was cool to drink cough syrup, I just laughed as I lit up. They made me bathroom monitor I think one kid smoke in the school, me. I just didn’t fit in till I left Catholic school and went to public high school, there skipping school, getting high and surfing was all I wanted to do, And that is what I did do till I found myself needing to grow up and be a man, be responsible . I did not like this either, but I am grateful that God’s lessons that I did learn while going to that Catholic School at least steered me in the right direction. I was not a good Catholic, a bad Catholic but Catholic I was, I am , As God wills it.

Actually So what does this little rant have to do with anything, for most that read this nothing. I really do like this time because it is the only time, there is no other time it all is one time, each period formative for the next, each a chance to correct, learn and benefit from the other. I live in a time where I can type or post if you like a little about life and sail it out there into the universe, perhaps it will be saved and returned and read by someone whom I care about  and cares about me , you got to like this. I think !

A Road often Traveled

A Road often traveled 

 

Mindless I will aim myself in a certain direction

 

Unsure of where it will take me

 

My soul will go through an insurrection

 

Accumulating baggages with an overburdened fee

 

Instructions, guidelines, rules ofter I seek

 

Should I move forward, turn left or right

 

Knowledge, information is making me weak

 

Taken out the chance, the impromptu the entrepreneur fight 

 

Hide, run to seek refuge 

 

Look not for the adventure

 

This era where failure can put you in a personal centrifuge 

 

That will linger and linger till passage through the Aperture 

 

May my light pass through

 

© Park 2013 

 Image

If I sit still

If I sit still

If I sit still

Will life pass, grant me reprieve

Will I escape the pain, miss getting ill

Will I miss all that frightens me, can I not grieve

If I sit still

Will I avoid the ugly world

Will I be excused from others will

Will I miss the slander so freely hurled

If I sit still

Can the commitments be mulled of love

Can I forget that journey up the hill

Can I ignore what comes from above

If I sit still

Why  be involved with those around

Why can’t it be corrected with a pill

Why bother with solutions hard found

If I could sit still

And avoid all problems and challenges good and bad

I could build my walls around my  ville

And surely I would never know what graces I could of had

If I sit still

If I close down my inner voice

And avoid the fact that life is a grist mill

Let no one waste their emotions to make their eyes moist

If I sit still

Park (c) 2013

The Bridge

The Bridge

Current runs between it’s spans

Strong and full of vigor

Wondrous birds, wings outstretch like fans

Tales full of strife and rigor

Other side the vehicles thus race.

Each roars position to place

Confined to it’s concrete hem

Destinations important to them

This novel path from here to there

Ribbon of steel, from out of nowhere

A colossal site as seen from above

This thing built from toil, pride and love

Take me to the other side right now

With your splendid towers cowl

Take me this minute, this day

As I make my determined way

(c) Park  2012

Inspired by my trips across the Chesapeake Bay Bridge, MD. USA